Category Archives: JesterNoir’s Personal

Why people always paint their walls cream.

My Gentleman and I bought a house!
It’s our very own!  Words cannot convey my excitement and happiness that it’s finally happened.

Yippeee!
Squeee!

We can do whatever we want to it.  No more rental inspections or removable stick-on picture hooks for us.  No more bland walls or neutral coloured carpets.
But I’m so excited by all the possibilities that it’s literally paralysed me from doing anything to customise it.

I’m stuck.

Purely because I can do EVERYTHING, I’ve done nothing.

I’ve got swathes of ideas.  Pinterest boards full of inspiration.

Continue reading Why people always paint their walls cream.

Emails to my colleagues: Part 2. The Freezer.

From: JesterNoir
Sent: [Date Redacted
To: Level 3.
Subject: Level 3 Freezer.

Hello,
It’s you friendly neighbourhood level 3 fridge fairy here with a confession:
Stories of my Tetris prowess have been vastly exaggerated.
I know, I know, this might come as a shock to some, but it’s true. I’m not actually that good at Tetris. Fair to middling at best. I mean, for a while sure, I was practicing every day and actually got pretty good, but it’s been too long and I just need to accept that my skills aren’t what they used to be.

Why am I playing Tetris at work, you might ask? Or at least, my manager is going to be at my desk in about 30 seconds after I send out this email asking me that exact question. So before you stand up, Jonathan, the answer is simple: Bread.
The freezer is full of bread.
You know when you’ve reached faster levels in Tetris and you’ve got your lines all set up waiting for the right piece to slot in and wipe the board, but the piece you want never comes so you build up the rows higher and higher till nothing else can fit in? Yeah. That’s the state of our freezer. But instead of Tetris pieces, we have bread. Loaves and loaves of different types of bread. Fitting my lunch box into the freezer has become a daily game of Tetris.

Given that we now have an influx of new people on our level (Hi, new people!), let’s do a bit of a clean out, so we all have space for frozen comestibles.
New board, new level, wiped clean and ready to be filled to the brim with next year’s old food.

“Get to the point!” I hear you cry. Fine, but you’re ruining the suspense:

On [Date Redacted] 3pm, I’m emptying out the freezer.

FAQ:
-Are you just getting rid of the bread?
                  -Nope. Everything is going. The ice packs can stay, but pretty much everything else is either going into the bin, or in the unlikely event that it looks fresh, possibly the fridge.

-My food is in there! I put it in there this morning! Save my food!
Sure. Come join me in the clean out, save your food, and then if it’s still reasonably in date you can always put it back in after we’ve wiped the freezer clean.

 -My lunch box is worth a million dollars and was a gift from the prime minister of the Solomon Islands to my great grandmother and has great sentimental value!
-It’ll be emptied of its decade old icicles and go in the dish washer. Find it in there, or in the cupboard where all the spare/found lunch boxes go.

-Can I get my stuff out sooner than that?
-Yes, that’s why I’m giving you so much warning. In fact, do me a favour and go have a look in the freezer today and see if there’s anything you recognise. Maybe you’ll find your long lost friend hidden amongst the ice.

-Would you like help?
-Yes please! Guaranteed that this will be a lot less smelly than the fridge cleanout and a lot quicker as there’s less to clean out. Though, sadly, I’m anticipating less surprises (I’m still in shock from finding that sealed jar of dirt in the fridge last year)

Hope you’re all having a great day, with tasty lunches made from all the frozen bread that you’ve now taken out of the freezer,

JesterNoir.

From: JesterNoir
Sent: [Date Redacted
To: Level 3.
Subject: Level 3 Freezer Episode II: The reminder.

Hello,
Just a reminder that tomorrow afternoon all that you hold most precious and dear will be gone… from the freezer.

Please collect anything that you wish to save from the clutches of the bin before I descend upon it with a cathartic, but somewhat questionable, vigour at 3pm.

As always, help would be appreciated, if only to have someone else that I can share the exclamations of “What on earth is this?!?” with.

JesterNoir

From: JesterNoir
Sent: [Date Redacted
To: Level 3.
Subject: Level 3 Freezer Episode II: The reminder.

People, this is a gastronomically based crisis.

There is ice cream in the freezer.

Chocolate ice cream. (Sure, it might be labelled ‘nutrition station,’ but that’s fooling no one.)

There’s a special level of hell reserved for people who talk in theatres, and people who throw out ice cream.
Don’t make me do it.
Everything in the freezer is on the bench.

You’ve got 10 minutes.

Anything left on the bench after that will either be thrown out, or if it looks presentable (i.e. bought) I’ll take it down to the Youth Centre down the street.

Please, don’t make me commit this heinous crime.

JesterNoir

From: JesterNoir
Sent: [Date Redacted
To: Level 3.
Subject: Level 3 Freezer Episode III: The Aftermath.

Hello fellow frozen food aficionados,

The freezer clean out went off without a hitch last Friday, answering once and for all that age-old question: Can Glen 20 freeze?

Yes. Yes it can.

Thank you to everyone who graciously donated their unwanted frozen meals to the youth centre, they were very, very thankful for your donation.

The Youth Centre does amazing work with young people in our region, and donations like these are sometimes the only food some people can get at late notice, so if you have any frozen or non-perishable food items, especially meals, instead of leaving them in our freezer until it gets to Tetris levels, please consider donating them to the youth centre, or give them to me and I’ll walk them over.

For more details on what they do, head over to their website: [redacted].

A reminder that if you’re looking for your heirloom, gold-plated lunchboxes please check the cupboard next to the dishwasher.

Until next time!

JesterNoir

P.S. Yes, these are actual emails I sent at work. Have you ever sent an email like this or had one sent to you? Let me know in the comments.

Trick yourself into taking a ‘Mental Health Day,’ without feeling like a lazy slob.

I first heard of a ‘Mental Health Day’ from my last boss.  A college of mine was having a bad day at work, so my boss said that she’d rather my college took a day off and went to the beach instead of staying at work, being mentally elsewhere and getting nothing done.  That way they could come back the day after ‘refreshed and ready to work.’

I’ve been back at work a week.  A week. I can hardly believe that it’s only been a week.  My holidays were wonderful, but getting back to the daily grind has been a bit of a shock to the system.  I’m already feeling the effects of stress, so I’m preemptively taking a day to look after myself before the stress makes me sick.  Literally.  Of course there’s the temptation to go out and have fun and screw the consequences and lack of sleep, but growing up means learning to look after myself.  Sigh.

There is so much to do around my house though, so ‘Relaxing’ (With a capital ‘R’)  is difficult.  If I’m sitting round my house, I feel like I’m being lazy.  I need a sense of achievement to beat the blues, but whilst a day full of hard work makes me feel good, it sort of defeats the purpose of taking a day of rest.

So, after sleeping in and staying in bed till after midday, (Take that morning! I didn’t even see your face!) here’s what I’ve done to trick myself into taking a ‘rest’ day and ‘Relaxing.’

Continue reading Trick yourself into taking a ‘Mental Health Day,’ without feeling like a lazy slob.

Adult Goth: The Parcel In the Post. AKA talking about it like adults, instead of avoiding it like a child.

The other day I recieved a parcel in the post.
(Cue Peter Combe song. Don’t know who Peter Combe is? You probably weren’t a child in Australia in the 90s. If you were, then you’re welcome: enjoy the earworm.)

Peter Combe, children's song singer. He's got nothing to do with this post, but if you're an Aussie kid like me, his over 18 gigs are now the stuff of legends.
Peter Combe, children’s singer. He’s got nothing to do with this post but if you’re an Aussie kid like me, his over 18 gigs  featuring drunk adults wearing newspaper hats singing about washing their teeth with orange juice to are now the stuff of legends.

It was one of those incredibly delicious days where lying-in was bliss and I had decided to completely take the morning off from everything and just relax with my love. Sun streaming though my windows and a book waiting for me on my bedside table. You get the picture?

So when the knock came, I stayed in bed whilst my Gentleman answered the door and signed for the parcel. He then brought it in to me with much teasing and “What is it? What have you bought this time?”

Continue reading Adult Goth: The Parcel In the Post. AKA talking about it like adults, instead of avoiding it like a child.

Emails to my Colleagues: Part 1. The Fridge.

From: JesterNoir
Sent: [Date Redacted] Early December 2014
To: Level 3.
Subject: Level 3 Fridge.

Hi everyone,
I did a bit of a fridge clean today;
I figured that if you hadn’t noticed when your drink went off in December 2012, you probably wouldn’t miss it all that much.

Continue reading Emails to my Colleagues: Part 1. The Fridge.