Tag Archives: Assertiveness

Why a woman should never propose.

A woman should never propose marriage to her man.
I mean, I did a bit of research around the web and it’s obvious as to why, but I’ll spell it out anyway:

Because unless he takes the initiative how else is she supposed to know if he’s really committed to her?
Him saying yes to a proposal isn’t enough of a commitment.  It’s a completely different thing to her saying yes if he asked her, of course.  Why?  Because it’s different, that’s why.

Because it’s emasculating.
There’s nothing worse than having a woman tell him she thinks he’s amazing and the pick of the bunch. Can you imagine how much that would ruin his self-esteem?

Continue reading Why a woman should never propose.

Emails to my colleagues: Part 2. The Freezer.

From: JesterNoir
Sent: [Date Redacted
To: Level 3.
Subject: Level 3 Freezer.

It’s you friendly neighbourhood level 3 fridge fairy here with a confession:
Stories of my Tetris prowess have been vastly exaggerated.
I know, I know, this might come as a shock to some, but it’s true. I’m not actually that good at Tetris. Fair to middling at best. I mean, for a while sure, I was practicing every day and actually got pretty good, but it’s been too long and I just need to accept that my skills aren’t what they used to be.

Why am I playing Tetris at work, you might ask? Or at least, my manager is going to be at my desk in about 30 seconds after I send out this email asking me that exact question. So before you stand up, Jonathan, the answer is simple: Bread.
The freezer is full of bread.
You know when you’ve reached faster levels in Tetris and you’ve got your lines all set up waiting for the right piece to slot in and wipe the board, but the piece you want never comes so you build up the rows higher and higher till nothing else can fit in? Yeah. That’s the state of our freezer. But instead of Tetris pieces, we have bread. Loaves and loaves of different types of bread. Fitting my lunch box into the freezer has become a daily game of Tetris.

Given that we now have an influx of new people on our level (Hi, new people!), let’s do a bit of a clean out, so we all have space for frozen comestibles.
New board, new level, wiped clean and ready to be filled to the brim with next year’s old food.

“Get to the point!” I hear you cry. Fine, but you’re ruining the suspense:

On [Date Redacted] 3pm, I’m emptying out the freezer.

-Are you just getting rid of the bread?
                  -Nope. Everything is going. The ice packs can stay, but pretty much everything else is either going into the bin, or in the unlikely event that it looks fresh, possibly the fridge.

-My food is in there! I put it in there this morning! Save my food!
Sure. Come join me in the clean out, save your food, and then if it’s still reasonably in date you can always put it back in after we’ve wiped the freezer clean.

 -My lunch box is worth a million dollars and was a gift from the prime minister of the Solomon Islands to my great grandmother and has great sentimental value!
-It’ll be emptied of its decade old icicles and go in the dish washer. Find it in there, or in the cupboard where all the spare/found lunch boxes go.

-Can I get my stuff out sooner than that?
-Yes, that’s why I’m giving you so much warning. In fact, do me a favour and go have a look in the freezer today and see if there’s anything you recognise. Maybe you’ll find your long lost friend hidden amongst the ice.

-Would you like help?
-Yes please! Guaranteed that this will be a lot less smelly than the fridge cleanout and a lot quicker as there’s less to clean out. Though, sadly, I’m anticipating less surprises (I’m still in shock from finding that sealed jar of dirt in the fridge last year)

Hope you’re all having a great day, with tasty lunches made from all the frozen bread that you’ve now taken out of the freezer,


From: JesterNoir
Sent: [Date Redacted
To: Level 3.
Subject: Level 3 Freezer Episode II: The reminder.

Just a reminder that tomorrow afternoon all that you hold most precious and dear will be gone… from the freezer.

Please collect anything that you wish to save from the clutches of the bin before I descend upon it with a cathartic, but somewhat questionable, vigour at 3pm.

As always, help would be appreciated, if only to have someone else that I can share the exclamations of “What on earth is this?!?” with.


From: JesterNoir
Sent: [Date Redacted
To: Level 3.
Subject: Level 3 Freezer Episode II: The reminder.

People, this is a gastronomically based crisis.

There is ice cream in the freezer.

Chocolate ice cream. (Sure, it might be labelled ‘nutrition station,’ but that’s fooling no one.)

There’s a special level of hell reserved for people who talk in theatres, and people who throw out ice cream.
Don’t make me do it.
Everything in the freezer is on the bench.

You’ve got 10 minutes.

Anything left on the bench after that will either be thrown out, or if it looks presentable (i.e. bought) I’ll take it down to the Youth Centre down the street.

Please, don’t make me commit this heinous crime.


From: JesterNoir
Sent: [Date Redacted
To: Level 3.
Subject: Level 3 Freezer Episode III: The Aftermath.

Hello fellow frozen food aficionados,

The freezer clean out went off without a hitch last Friday, answering once and for all that age-old question: Can Glen 20 freeze?

Yes. Yes it can.

Thank you to everyone who graciously donated their unwanted frozen meals to the youth centre, they were very, very thankful for your donation.

The Youth Centre does amazing work with young people in our region, and donations like these are sometimes the only food some people can get at late notice, so if you have any frozen or non-perishable food items, especially meals, instead of leaving them in our freezer until it gets to Tetris levels, please consider donating them to the youth centre, or give them to me and I’ll walk them over.

For more details on what they do, head over to their website: [redacted].

A reminder that if you’re looking for your heirloom, gold-plated lunchboxes please check the cupboard next to the dishwasher.

Until next time!


P.S. Yes, these are actual emails I sent at work. Have you ever sent an email like this or had one sent to you? Let me know in the comments.